Warning: Self-injury… Could be triggering…
The last time I did it was Saturday (April 18th)
And the last time before that was March 2nd.
From one day in December to one day in late February, I didn’t do it.
But I thought about doing it all the time, and I wasn’t ever really happy….
From March 2nd to Saturday, I didn’t think about it at all. Until Saturday, of course.
Why did I even do it the other day?
Well… Someone said something negative about my question about if I should still have hope… I really thought that it was the person who I wrote that about, so I got really scared. Because if it had been him, then I would have been pretty screwed. Anyway, it turns out that it wasn’t him, but I still have these damn cuts because I got sooo upset about it.
You’re probably thinking that that’s a really stupid reason. And I agree that it is.
But once you start cutting, once you become a cutter it’s like you rely on cutting to get you through the hard times.
When I used to do it every day (back in like November and December), I would just do it whenever I felt sad. And it was really making me more sad.
I don’t even know why I started, to be honest. I mean, what could I possibly gain from it?You know, the first time I ever did it was in Seventh Grade. Then I stopped. And started again sometime in Eight Grade. But I stopped again.
I didn’t start again until October 27th, 2008 (in Tenth Grade, of course)
Don’t ask me why I ever did it in the first place, because I really don’t know.
Anyway, now I’m just afraid that I depend on it.
Will it be like this forever? Even if I do only do it like once a month? Or once ever five months. It still counts. I’m still a cutter.
And I hate calling myself that. But it’s what I am. Though I won’t let it define me.
I don’t want to be depressed. And I don’t really think I am, really.
I don’t want to be a cutter. But no matter how infrequently I do it, I guess it’s still what I am.
I wish I could stop. I wish I didn’t rely on it. Maybe I don’t? But sometimes the thoughts are still there…
Once I start it again, it’s hard to stop.
Like, today I really want to do it, I’m not gonna lie.
But why? I’m not even sad.
I just want to do it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I don’t want this! I hate it!
Or.. maybe I do want it?
Part of me likes it.
I could be the happiest person ever and still want to do it…
Well, I don’t know what the whole point of this was. And I’m sure that atleast 75% of this doesn’t make any sense. But whatever. I just needed to write this and get it all out of my system….
Now, I’ll end this by asking this, because I’m really just wondering:
If I’m happy, but I still want to do it, is it really so terrible?
